Well suck my butt The Avengers was fun. The Avengers was so fun I only fell asleep once when they started talkin’ a bunch of Mel Gibson conspiracy theory bullshit about halfway through. Other than that, this rump roast of a movie had me fully torqued and on the edge of my seat creaming for more.

Let us run down who The Avengers are real quick. There’s Thor, the god of butt fucking, Hulk, the big green guy who is a big fucking dick, Captain America, the guy who probably has a big beautiful dick, Iron Man who is a disturbing combination of Albert Einstein and Charlie sheen, Black Widow, the skank of the pack and Hawkeye, the bow and arrow princess. That is the worst part about these Avengers. There are gods, billionaire geniuses, hulks and genetically altered dudes out there; then, here comes black widow and hawkeye: Two regular fucking people who can kick dudes in the testes real hard and shit. Are you shitting on me? Please tell me you are shitting on me because if you aren’t then I must have just shit my pants because that shit smell has to be coming from somewhere. This is fucking straight up dumb. These two normal human beings would be dead in two seconds. But let’s move past that. The real dickhead in this story is Loki. Loki is a big fucking baby with nothing to do but bitch about how he had no dad so now he wants to destroy an entire planet. Listen you little bitch: A lot of people have no dads. Shit, Orson Wells lost both of his parents by the time he was 15 and he made Citizen Fucking KANE! Lance Armstrong never really knew his dad AND he only has one nut. Hey Loki, do you have both nuts? Yes? Then shutup! Actually, Loki, you are such a puss I don’t even want to talk about you anymore. Let’s move on to more important things like what about this movie was good. And by that, I mean the action. This movie had my juices pumpin’ so hard that my penis had turned into a scared little turtle by the end credits. I mean, this thing literally didn’t come out of hiding for a week. I went to the doctor on day 3 and he said that he couldn’t believe that my penis had actually gotten smaller. He told me that the first 6 years I went there, he literally thought I was a woman. What I am getting at is, don’t see this movie unless you have a Captain America sized cock.

In the end, I enjoyed The Avengers for its humor, action and ability to avenge things. Everything gets avenged real fucking hard. The only vengeance left is the theater has for the mess I made at my seat (once again) and my doctor for the hour he had to spend coaxing my penis out of hiding. Other than that, this one gets a solid 7/10 for being totally fucking OK. Nothing more, nothing less.

4 Comments

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Suck my nips this is one awesome movie. This movie was so awesome that I went home and shaved my butt hairs into little bowl cut/Mohawk like Lisbeth Salander dons in the movie. If I sat on your head, it would look like you had a nice little hat on. I also tried to pierce my penis but was told that there isn’t a ring small enough. Anyways, on to the movie that nearly forced my balls into my own butt.

I saw this movie a couple weeks ago so my memory is a little hazy. I remember that there is some bullshit about the main character getting in trouble and getting sued for being a little shithead. Basically, everyone thinks he lied in an article about some rich burnt turd so everyone thought he was an asshole. That, already, is unrealistic. No one cares if someone lies about some rich dipshit. Anyways, that’s an underlying story throughout and not as important and the main story which is a sexy ass man and weird looking (although super-hot) girl trying to find out what happened to some other rich guys daughter. Obviously, they find out the truth through pure, unabated sex. They have relentless sex until they solve the mystery. They absolutely refuse to stop having sex until the case is closed! Finally after they have had all the sex they can, they figure it all out. It was the fartbag you thought it was the whole movie. It was just another rich dick dongle who thinks that just because he is a sneaky little fuck, he can murder whoever he wants. He clearly underestimated the sexual powers of our two main characters.

If I sound like I hated this movie, that isn’t the case you fucking moron. Didn’t you read the first sentence? Someone check these nip tips for a pulse! There were parts in this movie that were so good, so intense, that I literally shit my pants in the theatre. I mean, they had to shut the place down. The smell was fucking awful. I had to sneak out the back and come back to a different screening just to see the last 45 minutes of this 15 hour movie. So, sit back, strap on a diaper, and prepare to be have your titties tingled.

January 10, 2012

5 Comments

Mission: Completely Fucking Impossible Ghost Protocol

I want to start off by saying that Tom Cruise clearly has a fucking 10 foot dick because no one else would do the stunts that he did with any less. His dick is so big in this movie that for the first time in history, they had to convert the film from 3D to 2D because Tom Cruise’s 10 foot dick was impregnating all of the women in the first 10 fucking rows.

What better way to kick off Vulgar Reviews than with Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol, or as I like to think of it, Mission: Impossible – Tom Cruise vs Server Rooms!
Another title for the film that would be accepted would be Mission: Impossible – IF YOU DON’T SEE THIS IN IMAX YOU’RE A CHEAP LITTLE FUCK, YOU FUCK

Listen, they shot an entire sequence with Tom Cruise and his raging calves fucking around on that sick as fuck tower in Dubai. If you’re pissed that I didn’t google what that tower hotel is called, you’ve obviously mistaken me for someone else, you dick. Because seriously, who fucking gives a shit. I said Tom Cruise was flying on the fucking side of the world’s tallest building with a 10-inch boner which, oh-by-the-way, was shot in IMAX with fucking IMAX cameras built specifically to blast your balls into orbit.

Never mind that. Motherfucker basically gets his ass handed to him the ENTIRE film. Let’s break this shit down for you:

Scene 1: Tom Cruise’s puss of a friend gets fucked up.

Scene 2: Marion Jones-looking actress tries to look hot. Fails.

Scene 3: (Ext) Tom Cruise fucks some shit up. Then gets his shit handed to him.

Scene 4: Bangin’ french blonde bitch does some shit that no one cares about because she’s bangin’.

Scene 5: Tom Cruise gets blown up.

Scene 6: Tom Cruise outruns a sandstorm.

Scene 7: Sandstorm outruns Tom Cruise.

Scene 8: Tom Cruise says “FUCK THIS SANDSTORM! I’m gonna get in a car to race this shit because no one fucking beats me! Not even a fucking natural disaster!

Scene 9: Cool Car.

Scene 10: Tom Cruise. You think the movie is over. But no,there’s gotta be one more room with servers in it that he needs to break into. And besides, he’s not fucked up enough. More of fucking him up continues for about 1 more hour.

Scene 11 – 90: Tom Cruise and Co. use iPads to save the world.

I think you get the gist of the film.

If you dig the dude, go see him chop air with his hands (or running as some heathens might call it) while the world collapses around him. If you don’t like the dude (No one blames you. He is a big dumb fucking idiot in real life) then you’ll still enjoy this shit because he gets the phaetons fucked out of him for 2 hours (scientology joke, fuckface).

If you didn’t like this movie because the “storyline this” or the “it’s an Apple ad that” then suck a dick (preferably Tom Cruise’s), because you clearly watched the movie thinking “I hope it’s dark like Batman”, which is basically you admitting that you are a fucking idiot. This is clearly the wrong mindset. This movie has the same director as Ratatouille and The Incredibles. You should have known better; so that’s on you, you little tater tot.

DEAL WITH IT.

December 16, 2011