The Avengers

Well suck my butt The Avengers was fun. The Avengers was so fun I only fell asleep once when they started talkin’ a bunch of Mel Gibson conspiracy theory bullshit about halfway through.  Other than that, this rump roast of a movie had me fully torqued and on the edge of my seat creaming for more.

Let us run down who The Avengers are real quick. There’s Thor, the god of butt fucking, Hulk, the big green guy who is a big fucking dick, Captain America, the guy who probably has a big beautiful dick, Iron Man who is a disturbing combination of Albert Einstein and Charlie sheen, Black Widow, the skank of the pack and Hawkeye, the bow and arrow princess.  That is the worst part about these Avengers. There are gods, billionaire geniuses, hulks and genetically altered dudes out there; then, here comes black widow and hawkeye: Two regular fucking people who can kick dudes in the testes real hard and shit. Are you shitting on me? Please tell me you are shitting on me because if you aren’t then I must have just shit my pants because that shit smell has to be coming from somewhere. This is fucking straight up dumb. These two normal human beings would be dead in two seconds. But let’s move past that. The real dickhead in this story is Loki. Loki is a big fucking baby with nothing to do but bitch about how he had no dad so now he wants to destroy an entire planet. Listen you little bitch: A lot of people have no dads. Shit, Orson Wells lost both of his parents by the time he was 15 and he made Citizen Fucking KANE! Lance Armstrong never really knew his dad AND he only has one nut.  Hey Loki, do you have both nuts? Yes? Then shutup! Actually, Loki, you are such a puss I don’t even want to talk about you anymore. Let’s move on to more important things like what about this movie was good. And by that, I mean the action. This movie had my juices pumpin’ so hard that my penis had turned into a scared little turtle by the end credits. I mean, this thing literally didn’t come out of hiding for a week. I went to the doctor on day 3 and he said that he couldn’t believe that my penis had actually gotten smaller. He told me that the first 6 years I went there, he literally thought I was a woman. What I am getting at is, don’t see this movie unless you have a Captain America sized cock.

In the end, I enjoyed The Avengers for its humor, action and ability to avenge things. Everything gets avenged real fucking hard. The only vengeance left is the theater has for the mess I made at my seat (once again) and my doctor for the hour he had to spend coaxing my penis out of hiding. Other than that, this one gets a solid 7/10 for being totally fucking OK. Nothing more, nothing less.