Mission: Completely Fucking Impossible Ghost Protocol

I want to start off by saying that Tom Cruise clearly has a fucking 10 foot dick because no one else would do the stunts that he did with any less. His dick is so big in this movie that for the first time in history, they had to convert the film from 3D to 2D because Tom Cruise’s 10 foot dick was impregnating all of the women in the first 10 fucking rows.

What better way to kick off Vulgar Reviews than with Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol, or as I like to think of it, Mission: Impossible – Tom Cruise vs Server Rooms!
Another title for the film that would be accepted would be Mission: Impossible – IF YOU DON’T SEE THIS IN IMAX YOU’RE A CHEAP LITTLE FUCK, YOU FUCK

Listen, they shot an entire sequence with Tom Cruise and his raging calves fucking around on that sick as fuck tower in Dubai. If you’re pissed that I didn’t google what that tower hotel is called, you’ve obviously mistaken me for someone else, you dick. Because seriously, who fucking gives a shit. I said Tom Cruise was flying on the fucking side of the world’s tallest building with a 10-inch boner which, oh-by-the-way, was shot in IMAX with fucking IMAX cameras built specifically to blast your balls into orbit.

Never mind that. Motherfucker basically gets his ass handed to him the ENTIRE film. Let’s break this shit down for you:

Scene 1: Tom Cruise’s puss of a friend gets fucked up.

Scene 2: Marion Jones-looking actress tries to look hot. Fails.

Scene 3: (Ext) Tom Cruise fucks some shit up. Then gets his shit handed to him.

Scene 4: Bangin’ french blonde bitch does some shit that no one cares about because she’s bangin’.

Scene 5: Tom Cruise gets blown up.

Scene 6: Tom Cruise outruns a sandstorm.

Scene 7: Sandstorm outruns Tom Cruise.

Scene 8: Tom Cruise says “FUCK THIS SANDSTORM! I’m gonna get in a car to race this shit because no one fucking beats me! Not even a fucking natural disaster!

Scene 9: Cool Car.

Scene 10: Tom Cruise. You think the movie is over. But no,there’s gotta be one more room with servers in it that he needs to break into. And besides, he’s not fucked up enough. More of fucking him up continues for about 1 more hour.

Scene 11 – 90: Tom Cruise and Co. use iPads to save the world.

I think you get the gist of the film.

If you dig the dude, go see him chop air with his hands (or running as some heathens might call it) while the world collapses around him. If you don’t like the dude (No one blames you. He is a big dumb fucking idiot in real life) then you’ll still enjoy this shit because he gets the phaetons fucked out of him for 2 hours (scientology joke, fuckface).

If you didn’t like this movie because the “storyline this” or the “it’s an Apple ad that” then suck a dick (preferably Tom Cruise’s), because you clearly watched the movie thinking “I hope it’s dark like Batman”, which is basically you admitting that you are a fucking idiot. This is clearly the wrong mindset. This movie has the same director as Ratatouille and The Incredibles. You should have known better; so that’s on you, you little tater tot.

DEAL WITH IT.